Unfortunately, I couldn't resist my urge to mock/parody the cliches at the same time I was summarizing them, so the "abridged" scripts were... not so abridged. Sorry. I'll try harder to restrain myself next time... :D;;
Harry: *IS ABUSED*
Caretakers: *suck mightily*
Slytherins-of-Author's-Choice: *circle like sharks*
Harry: *is powerful*
SoAC: *feeding frenzy*
Harry: I- I have friends? O_o
SoAC: Naturally. You're interesting.
Harry: I- I have FRIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENDS!
SoAC: Indeed. And it's time to get out from under Dumbledore's thumb.
Dumbledore: But alas, ever since I became celibate (by authorial command, alas), I had to vent my dominating tendencies somehow, and I've been celibate for nigh unto a century... *cracks whip*
Grindelwald: *from Nurmengard* Indeed, his ability to speak to snakes did not unnerve me nearly as much as his obvious instincts for cruelty, secrecy, and domination... but they were most enjoyable at the time, jajaja. 8D
Harry: AND NOW I MUST HAVE A MENTAL BREAKDOWN DUE TO THE REVELATION THAT I WAS ABUSED. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE! HAHAHAHAHAH! D8 8D *BOOMFLAIL* SPINNY TIEMZ! BWAHAHAHA! I SHALL RULE THE WORLLLLLLD - RIGHT AFTER I COMMIT SUICIDE - *BOOMFLAIL* ...*has a long, in-depth discussion of many complex philosophical, ethical, and scientific topics with a carpet*
SoAC Adults: Nothing we haven't seen before, children - For Mordred's sake, if the carpet talks back, we just call him a Carpettongue, and it's a point in his favor. Really, we went through all this with our previous Lord. You get used to it.
Draco: Father, this is officially the first time in my entire existence that I have found you embarrassing.
Lucius: If he doesn't force us to have random BDSM orgies, we shall call him a great improvement over our previous Lord.
Pansy: I am going to demonstrate my sanity by leaving ASAP, even if I have to leave in a coffin.
Draco: Honestly, Pansy, are you a Weasley bastard?
Pansy: No, or I'd be more than passively annoying in most fics. My grandfather did have red hair and freckles, though, so maybe...
Harry: ALL SHALL LOVE ME AND DESPAIR. Especially you, Mr. Snugglebottoms. *hugs teddy bear*
SoAC Adults: Honestly, you kids are just spoiled. This is par for the course with Dark Lords.
Grindelwald: Oh, IS IT?
SoAC Adults: Meh, you're foreign. At least we can spell your last name correctly, even if we can't remember your first name... We saw a Ravenclaw call you "Grindylow" the other day.
Aberforth: *having established the Hog's Head as a mostly-neutral location, is sitting back with some of Ogden's Best and watching all proceedings* What, some of us are honest enough to enjoy the benefits of being raised semi-Slytherin. *snorts* And since barely any authors remember me seriously, I can just survive any events by default...
SoAC: Meanwhile, we'll end up getting our numbers halved AGAIN because we can't resist the SHIIIINY Powerful Wizard.
Aberforth: Or maybe Muggleborns just have more brains in their skulls to begin with.
Harry: Hmm, I can save the Wizarding World while having hourly mental breakdowns, or conquer it by throwing temper tantrums, having fits of ridiculously powerful wandless magic, and generally acting like a Saint Mungo's escapee. Vote?
Aberforth: Wait, what the hell was that second option?
Harry: I think I'll go fly into a rage, kill someone, and dismantle my current place of residence with pure wandless magic. BECAUSE I AM THE FOURTEEN-YEAR-OLD DESTROYER OF WORLDS. >8|
Albus: Alas, Aberforth, I am busy flying into OOC rages and cackling due to a dearth-of-domination-induced mental breakdown. You see, because Powerful!Harry must always win in these fics, I haven't managed to tie anyone up, make them tell me what bad boys they are and how they deserve to be punished, and force-feed them Lemon Drops for several chapters. Rather like if you were isolated from goats for a few months.
Aberforth: Don't you dare drag the goats into this, you bastard.
Albus: So, you see, I simply cannot make time for you. *twinkle*
Aberforth: Tell me why, on YOUR watch, the Boy-Who-Lived, who YOU controlled the living arrangements of, is this abused, magically-repressed kid who's absurdly powerful, completely unbalanced, and the poster child for wandless magic - SOUND LIKE ANYONE WE -
Albus: Oh, dear, is Harry coming to duel me? Farewell, Aberforth. Perhaps we shall see each other during my next great adventure! *twinkle*
Aberforth: YOU - [UNPRINTABLE]
Albus: Is there any possibility you'd be willing to put this collar on, let me tie you to the bedposts, and have an entirely platonic counseling session with you? No, truly, it would be platonic. I might have to use a branding spell on you, but that's because you've been such a bad boy, Harry. *single emo tear* I am far older than you, Harry, and I know all too well what trouble good little teenage bottoms get into when they lose their tempers and run away from Master Albus... *cracks whip* I merely want to avoid you falling prey to that fate, Harry. Come to Daddy.
SoAC: DON'T DO IT, POTTER!
Harry: ...If you say so. *fights* I DO NOT BOTTOM!
Albus: *nostalgia* Why, that's exactly what Gellert said on the day I took his virginity! Ah, for the halcyon days of youth...
Harry: *defeats Albus while he's distracted*
Albus: I shall rise ag-
Aberforth: *marches in, infuriated* ALBUS, YOU SCUMB-
Albus: ...Come to think of it, I'm only sentenced to be celibate for the rest of my LIFE, aren't I? :D Ooh, alas, I must depart on the next great adventure. How terrible. :DDDD *dies*
Voldemort: *arrives* Lord Voldemort approves of the old fool's death, does he not, Nagini? *strokes Nagini* You shall feast on the flesh of Lord Voldemort's enemies, Nagini... and remember, Death Eaters, it is hardly madness if the animals talk BACK. Now fall into formation! Lord Voldemort desires to have a tea party!
Death Eaters: It's not that only the absolutely deranged are Dark. It's that we're the only ones who will stay with Mr. I'm Holding A Tea Party With My Snake And Surrogate Family While Talking About Myself In The Third Person.
Voldemort: Lord Voldemort will torture one of his followers now, for the follower's doorknob was glaring at him, and Lord Voldemort does not tolerate insubordination... ESPECIALLY FROM DOORKNOBS! Crucio!
Aberforth: ...How'd he keep you lot for so long, again?
SoAC Adults: He used to fling us about with a word or a gesture. Wandlessly. We thought it was dazzling - wait, wrong red-eyed, pasty-skinned immortal psychopath. Eh, it was probably a remnant of the time he spent in the orphanage being feared for being different. D'you know he assumed he was being lured into the asylum when Dumbledore asked him to come to Hogwarts? Poor thing.
Snape: I assume you mean Dumbledore waxed poetic about the glorious House of Gryffindor to even the Dark Lord, in which case, it was a perfectly reasonable assumption.
SoAC Adults: Seemed deathly ill for his first few years, too - fevered, shaky, terribly thin, far too quiet, prone to outbursts of hysterical behavior and compulsion -
Aberforth: Now You-Know-Who - Damn it, is there no way to break a ghost's nose?!
Harry: *taps Voldemort on the shoulder* Hello, Voldemort.
Voldemort: Lord Voldemort does not like being called by his name. Does he, Nagini? No, he does not. Another cup of tea?
Harry: I've destroyed your Horcruxes.
Voldemort: *SCREECHES LIKE AN IRATE TWO-YEAR-OLD* ...Still, Lord Voldemort will not allow this to disrupt his dramatic speaking style...
Harry: And I didn't like your fashion sense when I was one year old.
Voldemort: WHAT?! I'LL KILL YOU! *DUELS*
Harry: *eventually wins... of course* *wanders off with his prize, which, depending on the fic, may be a happy life with Draco, a sappy life full of kiddies with Snape/Ginny/Hermione/a Mary-Sue, or a posh life with an entire harem of random females* At last, some happiness... Hello again, Mr. Carpet! It's good to see you!
SoAC: This is still better than working for Voldemort!
Random OC/Ancient Tome: As it turns out, if two powerful, equally-matched wizards do the nasty, the one bottoming gets pregnant. Hooray!
Harry: It would have been very nice to know this A FEW MONTHS AGO, back when I could have made Malfoy/Snape/that random Horcrux bottom INSTEAD...
Albus: *turns green* I... why that's... fascinating... Pregnant, powerful wizards... how... fortunate... I've never... had intercourse with a wizard equal to myself in power... ah... yes...
Grindelwald: NO, YOU IDIOT REPORTER, I DID NOT HAFF ANY AFFAIR VITH ALBUS DUMBLEDORE, I DID NOT LOSE THE DUEL BECAUSE OF MY ETERNAL SUSCEPTIBILITY TO HIS IMMENSE SKILL AT *COUGH* "VANDVORK" *COUGH*, AND I MOST ESPECIALLY DID NOT EVER GET PREGNANT VITH UND BEAR HIS LOVE CHILD! DO YOU HEAR ME?!
Rita Skeeter: ...Dear me, that was a VIOLENT reaction to an off-hand joke... *raises eyebrows in honest surprise* May I suggest the guilty flee when no man pursueth? My, the secret romance of the Dark Lord and his defeater, I could conjecture my way through an entire double-length article off the premise alone... *pauses* I never accused you of getting pregnant. Wizards can get pregnant?
-Back in England-
Harry: Dumbledore, are you going to help at all?
Albus: Harry, this is very important, no doubt, but I have many important things to worry about. *to himself* Such as whether I managed to impregnate the feared Dark Lord Grindelwald. If I had but known! He could have been laughed off the international stage so much sooner and so many lives could have been saved...
The Proud Other Daddy: Hello, Harry! Ooh, aren't you a sweetheart, widdle baby. I can't wait to meet you...
Ron: This is all utterly insane. *clutches head*
Hermione: Ronald, don't be so close-minded! Men getting pregnant is perfectly - *pauses* *joins him*
[Time passes. Albus tries to trace his love child's path through life. The once-Dark-Lord Grindelwald is for once grateful that he is being held in a maximum-security prison, as it gives the perfect excuse to avoid contact with the outside world in any form. Harry is affected badly by pregnancy hormones. Ron and Hermione have checked themselves into Saint Mungo's, as has Lucius Malfoy. The Proud Other Daddy is utterly OOC and mushy-goopy. Voldemort is, as in HBP, graciously waiting for the high school drama subplots to resolve before he actually does anything of lasting effect with his standing army of Death Eaters and Dark creatures.]
Albus: ...And so the child was adopted into the Potter line, and was Harry's grandfather. *pauses* *dissolves into a pile of sentimental goop* I should have known all along... Oh, look, he has Gellert's CAPSLOCK and skill with the Cruciatus! *wibbles* And my capacity for being emo. I'm so proud. *sighs wistfully* I'm going to be a great-great-grandfather!
Snape: *overhears* And I am going to carve my brains out with a melon scoop if I'm not restrained from harming myself. *checks self into Saint Mungo's*
Albus: *blinks* They keep doing that. I wonder why?
[The Birth occurs. It's a boy who looks just like Harry.]
Harry: I name you Harry Draco Severus Ronald Thomas James Harold Albus Gellert Potter, because this was a really bloody miserable pregnancy and I'm more than a tad spiteful.
The Proud Other Daddy: ...Why "Harry"?
Harry: So he can travel dimensions and fall in love with a dimensional duplicate of his other parent as we look on with pride, of course!
The Proud Other Daddy: Oh, sweetheart! You're a CLAMP fan, too! *much snogging and shagging commences*
-The Sealed Ward, St. Mungo's, London, England-
Ron: Honestly, aside from the Unspeakables coming in to experiment on us, I don't see why everyone's so afraid of this place. It's pretty posh.
Hermione: Well, they DID have to raise the standard of living when the population of residents exploded - especially with all the rich patients.
Lucius: You! Girl! Fetch my tea!
Unspeakable: The second the law releasing us from accountability to the Wizarding public passes, you're going to be given to our newest members for product-testing purposes, Mr. Malfoy. *stews*
Fred and George: :D WE ARE NO LONGER BOUND BY THE GENEVA CONVENTIONS!
Ron: ...You ever were?
George: Well, Mum insisted we pretend to be.
Intercom: A new resident is arriving. Please welcome him.
Voldemort: *is carried in, tied to a stretcher*
Ron: Bloody hell, what happened?
Orderly: After overhearing The-Boy-Who-Lived-To-Be-Knocked-Up mention it, he looked up CLAMP... and attempted to...
Hermione: *hands fly to mouth* He didn't...
Orderly: ...Yes. He attempted to apply logic to the plot of Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle.
All: *HORRIFIED SILENCE*
Ron: *behind curtain* Never thought I'd say this, but... take my food. You need the comfort more than I do.