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The Very Secret Tactician Diaries (PG-13, Humor/Parody)

Day 1

Met Shepherds. Got funny looks when I asked if I should dress as sheep.

 

Also killed bandits. For stealing sheep.

 

Day 2

Attacked by zombies. Refused to perform “Thriller”, so were killed.

 

Also met young person named Marth. Got slapped when I asked birth sex for reference in my future v. grand harem. What? Needed to know for Galeforce breeding program.

 

Day 3

More zombies! Also an axe-wielding idiot. Failed to feed him to zombies. V. sad.

 

Day 3.5

Rescued kid’s village from bandits. Kid joined, but can’t imagine v. useful. Though his dad was apparently v. powerful in prime – what’s a “Saiyan”?

 

Day 4

Feroxians only listen to people who beat them up. Beat them up. They listened.

 

Why did they give me a flyer for “Mistress Ilyria’s Chain Dungeon” afterward?

 

Day 5

Met Marth again. Chrom v. disturbed because Marth had another of his one-of-a-kind sword.

 

Didn’t have heart to tell him they sell five-for-a-copper at the flea market.

 

Day 6

Rescued lady named Maribelle and kid named Ricken from Plegians. Ricken v. infatuated with Maribelle, apparently.

 

Didn’t have heart to tell him about lesbians.

 

Day 7

Foiled assault on Ylisstol. Met bunnygirl and sweets-addict. Didn’t have heart to tell latter about diabetes. Was v. sad when learning that bunnies can’t ride pegasi.

 

Also killed creepy bloke who kept patting his knees and saying “Come sit in Daddy’s lap, child”. V. glad he’s dead and is most certainly not coming back.

 

Day 8

Met lady named Cordelia. Encouraged her to join v. grand harem. Don’t think she heard – kept dumping sparkle-dust over Chrom’s head and swooning. Bit funny in head.

 

Lon’qu hiding behind trees, muttering about “WOMEN COMING FROM THE SKY” and hugging sword like teddy bear. Need to give counseling. Miriel suggested exposure therapy via naked lady statues. Sounds good.

 

Am beginning to develop compulsive fear of wyverns.

 

Day 9

Met little dragon girl and Russian mercenary. Suffered severe head injury after one too many “In Soviet Russia, little girl assaults creepy oldster!” jokes.

 

Still trying to remove sand from pants. V. great hazard with baggy pants, you know!

 

Day 10

Emmeryn took long walk off short skull. Good. Less peace, more slaughter. (Tacticians v. pointless during peacetime, you know!)

 

Also met creepy stalker lady who watches me sleep. Not certain I want her in v. grand harem.

 

On bright side, met lady gentleman for future inclusion in v. grand harem. If too many gender mistakes made, may suffer axe-idental death. Point taken.

 

Must ask Gangrel about Zombie Archer Trick.

 

Day 11

Chrom v. unhappy. Rain miserable. Creepy stalker making “share body heat” suggestions.

 

Also, fought off enemies, but minor detail.

 

Day 12

Gangrel laughed when asked about Zombie Archer Trick. Killed him.

 

Chrom currently subject of Grand Harem Battle between clumsy pegasus chick, butch horseman-lady, sister’s lesbian BFF, shy dancer-woman, and random village girl. Considered throwing self into battle, but getting awfully vicious in there. Thought that sort of maneuver only happened on Kink Memes.

 

Flavia stripping naked in Plegian treasury and screaming, “MONEY! I’M SWIMMING IN MONEY!” Have to fetch her out in 5, though. Overdue to whip Basilio until he screams “ripe bananas”.

 

Day 712

Valmese have heard of v. grand harem and want to visit. Think it will do wonders for Ylissean tourist industry, but Chrom all anxious and paranoid. Wife insists on coming along, says Lucina will do fine.

 

Off to go to Ferox Harbor, at any rate. Will bring harem members along to welcome them.

 

Day 713

Turned out Valmese have no idea how to treat liberated women. Or men. Harem members liberated them from the mortal coil.

 

Went off to ask Plegians for help; met Gangrel’s ex-girlfriend and guy who looks just like creepy bloke. Creepy Bloke V2 has person just like me, pretended he didn’t see resemblance. Propositioned Other Me for fake twincest, but got turned down – “business first, not pleasure”. Still think would have been fun.

 

Unfortunately, then got propositioned by bunch of Risen. Also met creepy crow guy – set him to stalk creepy stalker lady? Now that’s a relationship with some CAWS for common gr- FUCK HIM! NOW I’M DOING IT!

 

Day 714

Also, “Marth” = Lucina from the future. Chrom’s wife v. annoyed until she found out, now all lovey-dovey. Still slapped me when asked to join v. grand harem.

 

Today, defeated Valmese by setting ships on fire and ramming the enemy. V. metal, but then Chrom yanked me off, so didn’t die. Damnit.

 

Day 715

Met swordschick named Say’ri. Wish she had chemistry with Vaike – theirloveissohelphelpIforgotmyweapons!

 

Little to say about today’s battle. Yes, Donnel performed something called the “Kamehameha” and blew away half the enemy, but not v. important. More concerned with Virion making incursions into harem. Tempted to set wyvern-lady on him.

 

Day 716

Went off to rescue dragon hikkomori. Say’ri says Oracle is much to be revered – ha! Stays on top of tree all day, sleeps constantly, earns living RPing Naga – hardcore hikkomori if ever saw one. Even saw a Marth dakimakura stuffed between two branches.

 

Not overly concerned about Donnel’s spiky blond hair and radiant aura. Will only call medic if doesn’t go down after four hours.

 

Day 716.5

Rescued chick wearing a TSUN LYFE t-shirt. Turns out to be Cordelia’s daughter. Not sure where she got tsundere from. Must be recessive ge

 

Scrawled in a different hand:

NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, BAKA! As if you can understand! Mommy always loved Chrom more than me! Daddy died on me! A-and it’s not like I care, or anything! Stop trying to recruit me into your harem, you sick fuck!

 

Day 717

You know drill. Need to beat up toad named Excellus, though. No one expects the Spanish Risen!

 

…Need to find out what “Spanish” are, too.

 

Day 717.5

Scrawled in a new hand:

Met the super-duper-awesome Cynthia! She’s the best hero I’ve EVER met! She’ll totally be the coolest harem member I’ve ever had, the strongest fighter on my entire team, and the most awesome person EVER. Period!

 

Man, am I ever glad to have met her! I didn’t know what I’d do when she came riding out against me, but fortunately her almost-as-awesome mother talked to her and showed her the error of her ways! Hooray! She’s totally better than that eeeeevil Severa…

 

The entry goes on for several more paragraphs in much the same vein.

 

Day 718

FINALLY got diary back from crazy pegasus chick. Nearly got tossed into magma by tsundere chick. Hope rest of children more stable. Galeforce psychos v. nice, though.

 

Yen’fay beaten up surprisingly easy. Died saying he’d left his really good sword in his trailer. Not surprised by that.

 

Also ran into Excellus. Wonder what toad soup tastes like?

 

Day 718.5

 

I now have a kid.

 

I shall call it “Opposite-Gender Mini-Me”.

 

Day 719

Met Walhart. Smashed Walhart. Vaguely wondering why Donnel now babbling about beating up “Cell”, but accept kid’s power addles his brain.

 

My child made an excellent showing of itself, taking after its magnificent parent. Onward, faithful minion! ONWARD!

 

Day 720

Cut Cervantes’s mustache, made toad soup, and conquered the Conqueror. Also fought off an obscene number of Valmese cannon-fodder, but GaleforcegaleforcegaleforceDEAD.

 

Day 720.5

On bad side, mansion of undead not as fun as Anne Rice makes out to be.

On bright side, have new dragon!

 

Day 721

Went to creepy bloke’s palace, got locked in. Really need to introduce him to No-Means-No. Smashed way out. Entertaining lightshow from the Sorcerers Who Can’t Hit Anything.

 

Day 722

Dear Aversa,

Nergal did it better.

Up your “legendary generals”,

Robin

 

Day 723

Dear Creepy Bloke,

Please die. Thanks.

Best,

Robin

 

Dear Creepy Bloke,

Please die AGAIN. Thanks.

Best,

Robin

 

Even as an alternate-future incarnation of Grima – still the prettiest!

 

Day 724

Went on a nice, scenic walk, slaughtered some Risen, and met Naga.

 

Harem request was politely denied. May have to wait a bit for divine harem.

 

On other hand, Other Me, the evil divinity, has entire world in zombie harem. Hmm…

 

Day 725

Possibly killed entire zombie harem. Were enough of them.

 

Day 726

Off to tragically die. Must tell Chrom to feed my Neopets.

 

Plan to continue harem-gathering activities in afterlife. Wonder what Prince Marth was like?

 

Day ???

Am back! Chief harem members – er, Chrom and Lissa – v. glad to see me. Told them couldn’t manage Zombie Archer Trick on both of them at once – they were v. disappointed. Was advised to stop taking naps on ground.

 

Told Lucina I’d prefer to take a nap in her lap.

Got slapped again.

 

END

 

This entry is mirrored at http://guardians-song.dreamwidth.org/131290.html. Comment wherever you like. Just remind me to get off the internet and do my homework.
Tags: fandom: fire emblem, fic: parody, humor, parody
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