guardians_song (guardians_song) wrote,
guardians_song
guardians_song

I s'pose part of why I close myself off to stimulus is that I'm afraid of being disappointed by LACK

...of stimulus.

So I deaden myself because... I'm resigned to the world already being deadened, and so I choose not to disappoint myself.

It's also because I just couldn't take negative stimulus when I was younger. I'm getting more of an actual tolerance as I get older, as opposed to just blocking it out or having my emotions shut down, so I no longer need the coping mechanisms to the same extent... but I do need to remember they're there in order to switch them off.

(Also, now that I actually know the difference between true tolerance for pain and a faked "tolerance"? I am doubly convinced that "taking things in stride" is:
A) a learned skill;
B) a skill taking a surprising amount of time and directed effort to learn;
C) a skill that cannot be learned while one is in acute pain;
D) a skill that must derive from one's inner values and one's personal goals, motivations, and efforts;
E) not something one can spontaneously acquire just because a sanctimonious authority figure is lecturing one about it while one is sobbing one's guts out.
Not that I would know anything about E, now would I?
I'm sorry if I've gotten annoyingly petty about certain issues recently, and I know I have [on Tumblr, at least], but my self-righteousness increases as my amount of spine increases. Sorry, still not sure how to moderate that, guardians_song.exe is still in the debugging process.

To TL;DR the reason behind this proportionate increase in self-righteousness, I believe certain kinds of ignorance are malicious. Viewed objectively, I cannot forgive unrepentant, proud malice. And the more spine I get, the less I make excuses for myself and others.

I can be less tetchy about it, but I think that probably won't happen until I get through the first round of venting - at which point my discomfort with outright redundancy and going around in circles will take over. That may take a while. Sorry for being pissy in the meantime, guys. D:)

Anyway - yippee, it's a magical world out there, Hobbes, let's go exploring. Just need to figure out the correct way in which to phrase it.

And to figure out how I'll get my brain to shut off at night so I don't start up my computer because I can't sleep for hours on end after midnight. :P D| Well, that's how life goes...

(No, it's not electronic lighting. I have the occasional so-tired-but-can't-sleep fit even in the absence of electronics. Probable bad brain wiring. Just have to learn to circumvent it.)

This entry is mirrored at http://guardians-song.dreamwidth.org/203216.html. Comment wherever you like. Just remind me to get off the internet and do my homework.
Tags: random, real life, wangst
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