guardians_song (guardians_song) wrote,

Random stuff, because my mind is just as disarrayed as heck at the moment.

So there is a meaning to that 'Gym Badges increase stats' stuff in the earlier generations. Who knew?

Interesting tips on drawing.
How Does It Feel to Be in Flow?

Completely involved in what we are doing – focused, concentrated.
A sense of ecstasy – of being outside everyday reality.
Great inner clarity – knowing what needs to be done, and how well we are doing.
Knowing that the activity is doable – that skills are adequate to the task.
A sense of serenity – no worries about oneself, and a feeling of growing beyond the boundaries of the ego.
Timelessness – thoroughly focused on the present, our sin to pass by in minutes.
Intrinsic motivation – whatever produces flow becomes its own reward.

My best guess is that my brain is going through a VERY delayed late-puberty, to tell from the nervous energy, the distractibility, and the ****ing hormonal jitters.

It manages to fit right into the valley where it's too pleasant, relatively speaking, to have me wish for it to just GO AWAY, but too hideously inefficient for me to appreciate it sans reservations.

For one, to lapse into TMI, I've discovered that, all deliberate perving and enjoyable mental stimulation aside, I actually haven't had much of a sex drive for the last several years.
I've also discovered that a sex drive, even if it only shows up for a few days a month, IS A VERY IRRITATING THING.
Your mileage may vary. For the benefit of asexuals, please imagine that your brain is a computer that has recently become infected with an obnoxious piece of malware that pops up anywhere from every few minutes to every few hours, offering you products you neither want nor need but are nonetheless bizarrely tempting. And that it chews up a good fraction of available processor space while it does so.
Obviously this is quite different if you're actually planning to get laid any time in the near future, in which case I'm sure having a sex drive is very enjoyable, but I'm not. Hence it's just extremely irritating.

For another, my brain has decided that to move on from the 'can't concentrate on anything' type of hyperactivity to 'keeps coming back to a given subject, subject to be determined at random' type of hyperactivity. This is nice, in that I'm at least developing some kind of focus in my old age. (*crotchety 21-year-old*) This is not nice, in that I can't CONTROL the focus, and it doesn't always pack up and leave when I satisfy the bleeping focus. This is admittedly much preferable to my depressive monthly(?) phase, but I'D LIKE TO BE ABLE TO CONTROL THAT FOCUS, MANY THANKS.
This also doesn't help the 'malware'. Admittedly the subjects of repetitive focus have included such things as Pokemon ROM hacks, books, fanart, et cetera, so it's not entirely about that, but the hyperactivity and the increase in drive occur at the same time of month.

For a third thing, to be harsh, hormones cause patterns of delusional thinking. No, not as in 'I'm the Queen of England', I don't have THAT sort of problem - but I start stressing over bullshit that has little to do with reality. Or fantasizing about things that I objectively know to be impractical and/or ultimately regrettable and/or unrealistic. Or coming up with plans that 'instinctively' make perfect sense and objectively have little to do with any sort of Earth Logic.

On the bright side, if I can generalize the emotional reasons of one particular piece of insanity, I'm going to go on a roaring rampage of revenge consisting of doing lots of nice things for people who tick me off. I may somehow achieve a good reputation this way rather than anyone guessing I've crashed through into some sort of passive-aggressive nirvana.

...I'll probably look back on this and laugh. ...I'm just annoyed. I don't like having to adjust my model of how I work, physically and psychologically speaking.

This entry is mirrored at Comment wherever you like. Just remind me to get off the internet and do my homework.
Tags: information, random
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