guardians_song (guardians_song) wrote,

Would like to say again that I like my f-list and generally care about them.

Had a bad nightmare about a friend defriending me and going into multi-post detail about how I had appalled and hurt her. Worse yet, the nightmare kept repeating within itself (I "awoke" to find a variation on the same nightmare), so, by the time I finally woke up, I actually had to check nothing of the like had occurred... D: It seems stupid now, but it felt like a premonition after the... second, third, probably third... time it occurred. And then it repeated in my head a bit after I drifted into semi-consciousness, so I stayed in panic mode until I realized 'Wait, I haven't actually gotten up and checked my e-mail yet, I'm still partially dreaming'.

Just... yipes. I don't know what caused that. The dream offered a vague justification at one point with some sort of pseudo-anon-meme incident gone horribly wrong, but the content was just some harmless joking and flirting (??? Apparently my dreams don't mind getting me terminally OOC) that shouldn't have set anything off. And, I mean, the levels of drama that ensued were apparently mind-boggling. In the first iteration, a set of LJ info-icons that don't actually exist showed that the first post had gotten 27 comments and 34 PMs sent concerning it. I... uh... what. And the later posts dropped off significantly, obviously, but they still had half a dozen comments and PMs each.

Did I mention that these were f-locked posts? No one was coming in from Fandom Wank, in other words. I just... don't get what happened. I mean, it was a DREAM, it's not supposed to make sense, but my dreams usually have some sort of insane dream-logic justification to them. This had none. Aside from maybe hypersensitization to drama on the internet and mild social paranoia, but... I definitely don't have social paranoia to that extent. The dream really did dumbfound me even while I was going through it.

Edit: In case you're wondering how I saw f-locked posts when she'd defriended me, the explanation from the third iteration or so was that she hadn't completely defriended me, but she'd placed me on a filter where I couldn't see most of her posts. Essentially I could only see the "multi-post detail". Which... I didn't get around to reading because I flinch away from reading painful material at first, and by the time I would have read it either the loop had reset or I had gone into another dream before the next iteration.

Come to think of it, the dream-logic justification was apparently that, in her view, my clowning around on this pseudo-anon-meme showed that I didn't really care about her and had been just using her. Which... made no sense even in dream-logic, but does make sense as a subconscious regurgitation of my worrying that I don't do enough for friends/care enough for friends. And an old phobia that people will unconditionally and irrevocably turn on me for something that I don't find important but they obviously do. But the dream took it to such ludicrous extents that even I didn't get my guilt-complexes tripped. I mean... even I have to UNDERSTAND what I supposedly did wrong before I can feel guilty... *sheesh*

(And apparently at some point I wrote a melodramatic fanfic about a character being defriended like this, posted it to an anon meme, and it got a ton of comments. Which didn't help the situation. I say "apparently" because I sure didn't remember writing it even in the dream... and because some of the turns of phrase were ludicrously awful. I had the character's stomach rumbling as one of the signs of his overwhelming shock and grief. Or, rather, "the noise from the roiling of his bowels". ...Yes, I was utterly confounded too.)

At any rate, in case it meant something, I just want to assure you all again that I like you all and care about your well-being, and I can't think of any circumstances under which such a dream would come to pass. Yes, I know rationally that dreams are just the brain dumping random information and processing it, but after it repeated so many times... eesh. You'd understand if you ended up going through a dream-cycle like that. Enough to make anyone superstitious.

Hope you're all doing well!

This entry is mirrored at Comment wherever you like. Just remind me to get off the internet and do my homework.
Tags: dream, online life
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